Book No. 50 – Solitude

29 Oct

Solitude is a book of different poems from various poets who are brilliantly profound. The theme of this poetry book is solitude, absence, longing, loneliness and despair. These are emotions that we, as humans, feel from time to time and in different stages of life. Things change, friends become strangers that we pass on the street, our parents grow old, our grandparents die, hearts break and dreams are shattered, and horrible things happen every second of every day. (Obviously good things happen too, but that is not the theme of this poetry book.)

When I very first started writing this blog, I had just started taking anti-depressants and was feeling really low, and for lack of a better word; lost. It all happened during my freshman year of college and I guess the stress of being away from home for the first time in a different state, not knowing a single soul, is what initiated it all. There were other factors of course, that had an impact as well. I went through two break ups, had a falling out with my best friend of 14 years (we are in a much better place now), and I was a freshman in college standing on the precipice of the rest of my life. Talk about pressure! Anyways, it is about two years later now and I am still on medication, but I will be going off of it soon. I am finally starting to feel at peace with my life and I am finally starting to feel happy again. Naturally, there are still days when I don’t want to get out of bed and face the world, but slowly and surely that feeling has begun to lessen. I have learned that solitude and sorrow are too very powerful and terrifying emotions and if you let them, they can take control of your life. I have also learned that sometimes in life, you really do need help to feel better and that it is okay to ask for help. In fact, you should ALWAYS ask for help when you need it. After all, as John Lennon said, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” Nothing truer has ever been said! Well, except that Jake Gyllenhaal is a beautiful God of a man! Seriously though, asking for help is probably one of the things I am the worst at. I just never want people to think I am weak or can’t handle things on my own, but in reality, vulnerability is a strength and something all of us should be proud of.

My sister shared this quote with me and I think it is really beautiful.

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

When you think about it, nobody who ever made a difference in this world, did it without first overcoming obstacles and hardship. These only make a person stronger and more well rounded and empathetic of others and the world. I know my experience with depression, insomnia and anxiety has done just that.

Humans are always trying to make sense of things. We have this idea that the world is ruled by some cosmic irony or a higher power because we need something to believe in, and we need something to be bigger than ourselves. We search for answers in all the wrong places; in coffee shops, in old tattered library books, and in sad, sad songs. We make mole hills out of ants and interpret insignificant coincidences and occurrences as being the hands of fate or the makings of God’s plan for us. Some people spend their whole lives trying to figure out the why’s of the world. They search and search for the answers to all their questions, never realizing that some things simply are. Perhaps, if more of us accepted things as they are, we would be able to live much more  satisfying lives.

Easier said than done. Obviously. But worth a try, nonetheless.

Two years after my depression began I am living out of state again and am on my own. I decided I needed to come back and face my fears and I am really happy and proud that I did. I am doing really well and I am starting to get excited about school again and working towards my major. I am making new friends and spending a lot of time outside hiking with my dog. We also cuddle a lot, duh. I have been dating this really good guy for about five months now and we’re managing the long distance situation pretty well, but you know how that goes! The point is, I survived and I am okay and there was a time when I didn’t think I ever would be again.

And even though that time in my life felt like I was blind and deaf falling into a dark deep hole of nothingness, I overcame. I learned and I grew and I am better for it now. And if the devil asked me if all the pain was worth it. I would say yes, yes it was.

I wrote my own little poem having to do with this theme about a person who is no longer needed by anybody and that, to me, is heartbreaking. When people no longer visit you, call you or need you; that is solitude. It’s also something I am very much afraid of. So, basically this poem is about what I fear my life could end up being.

The phone doesn’t ring

and nobody writes me letters

the coffee in the kitchen has grown cold

the candles have burned to a pile of wax

and there are tire tracks are in the driveway

from you driving away.

the garden is dry

for lack of nourishment kills.

the dog lies dead

buried beneath the old oak tree

even he no longer needs me

and your side of the bed lies

untouched

unmarked

unmoved

as if

you never even existed,

and I’ll sit on the porch that

used to be ours

and wait for someone who is

never coming back.

 

THINGS ALWAYS GET BETTER.

ALWAYS.

HOLD ON TO THAT.

 

xo

TJ

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: