Lying awake beside you, these thoughts run through my head

21 Dec

the inhale, the exhale.
the watching in the dark.

you can sleep through anything,
except your parents coming home.

but they are gone for the weekend,
so I am here.

watching as you sleep.
the gentle movements.

the blue room.
you have no idea.

you sleep, I watch.
the afterwards.

we have just been as close as two people can be.
you have just said those three words.

and I believed it.
now you are asleep,

and it is dark,
and I am back with myself again.

you have no idea.
this dark.

it would be so easy to let you take me with you.
that waking dreamland we escape to every now and then.

to be the person you think I am.
that person worthy of your love.

but I’m not.
I do not deserve you.

your breath,
my confession.

I have hurt people.
different people, the same hurt.

I have done things because I wanted to.
for no other reason than wanting to.

I have done things.
I have been that darkness.

you are sleeping with your arm around the pillow,
your feet dangling off the bed.

there should only be one of us here.
you have no idea that I will break your heart.

when you break someone’s heart,
you also break your own.

whenever I approach the truth,
you back away from it.

you don’t want to know.
but you should know.

the more you love me, the more I will ruin you.
I will take my darkness and I will push it inside you.

lying awake beside you,
these thoughts go through my head.

I have done unforgivable things.
(you inhale, you exhale)

I have take advantage of other people’s weaknesses in order to cover my own.
I have slept with boys even though I knew they would later make me want to die.

I have lied so often that I’ve lost all track of the truth.
I have stolen people’s boyfriends, because I knew I could.

and then I dumped them like everyone else.
because there was always someone else.

I have never been faithful.
until you.

but I do not know if that can last, if I can overcome who I am.
you open your arms to me and I want to tell you not to.

do not expose yourself to me.
the last boy who did that ended up shattered.

he could not stop asking me why?
he told me he loved me and I slapped him.

he thought I was playing, but I wasn’t.
I am that damaged.

you sleep so innocently, and I watch so guiltily.
I didn’t think it would come to this.

you kissed me at a party.
we both wanted to.

we hooked up – something that sounds like two metal pieces fastening together.
one holding the other, although it’s often hard to tell which is which.

I liked your eyes and I could tell you liked my body.
and I was fine with that, because it wasn’t supposed to lead to this.

because I do care,
even that I should leave you.

I am not capable of something you are capable of.
that is, love.

I have the capacity for attraction.
even for admiration.

you deserve someone who will turn her world for you,
someone who will give you sweetness.

I am unkind.
I am that kind.

you say you do not see it.
you say I am too hard on myself.

but I have lived with myself for too many years.
I know exactly how hard I am.

you will argue with me.
(not now, you are asleep)

you will rip yourself to shreds to prove that I am worth loving.
you will not hear the chorus of everyone I’ve let down.

they sing from inside me,
sing from the darkness.

you do not know them.
they are from another town, another time.

but from the same person who now lies here next to you,
who can run her hand over your shoulder and make you shiver.

pull up the sheet.
inhale, exhale.

you are so beautiful.
this light.

the night I gave up on myself was not long ago.
right before I met you.

I was the new girl, and wanted that.
to make me a new person. redraw myself.

I was pretty enough for Cara to take me into her group.
I was phony enough to let her think I was grateful.

we shopped, we gossiped, we made plans.
I let her confide, and let her think I was confiding.

her birthday.
it was her birthday.

she hadn’t been going out with Roger for long.
she loved loving him, and I knew that.

I didn’t really like him.
Let me say that outright – I didn’t really like him.

we were at her house, drinking her parents’ liquor.
I was bored; she kept asking how I was.

we had spent an hour figuring out what she should wear.
that is, what Roger would like.

I knew Roger didn’t care.
he wasn’t the kind to notice what his girlfriend was wearing.

other girls, though.
me, for instance.

I was not drunk.
Roger was.

right in front of Cara.
because it was simple.

there is doing wrong without knowing you are doing it.
that can be somehow excused, at least over time.

but I knew it was wrong.
and I did it anyway.

because I liked the power it gave me.
because I liked being able to do it.

I could not be a new girl.
I took him to the backyard.

and the darkness there was not like this darkness.
it was a pitch-black emptiness.

there was no pleasure in it.
just bored destruction.

Cara never forgave me.
I was glad for that.

to have a reason to feel this way about myself.
I gave myself the reason.

you weren’t there that night.
I would have to wait another month to meet you.

but you must have heard.
you must have been warned.

I am a damager.
and yet, you hold me.

I am so tired of the phoniness,
especially my own.

with you I feel real.
but then I worry about the me that lies beneath.

at the end of the book, Holden says don’t tell anybody anything.
I say all these things without ever saying them out loud.

this is the voice I hear.
I always hear.

the inhale, the exhale.
you are so soft like this, touchable.

breath is not aware of it’s history; it is just breath.
I wish I could be like that, or love could be like that.

you give me hope.
I debate whether I deserve it.

the rise, the fall, the rise.
If I hold you, you will know it in your dreams.

I run to the cliff, and then see you sleeping.
I stop.

this darkness is so many things.
it is my past in my present.

forgive me for what I might to do you.
the threat of my past in my future.

the inhale, the exhale.
the unsilent, silence.

the blue room.
seeing in the dark.

the unearned comfort of you.
my regrets.

I regret
I will try.

-David Levithan, the realm of possibility

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One Response to “Lying awake beside you, these thoughts run through my head”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Oh David Levithan… | fresherconfessions - August 21, 2014

    […] Lying awake beside you, these thoughts run through my head. […]

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