If Not Now, When?

25 Feb

I had just finished 7th grade when my grandmother passed away. She had heart surgery and never woke up and even though she was in a coma for at least a month, I never saw it coming. It was the first death of a loved one I had ever experienced and it was the first time that my naive illusion of forever was shattered.

The last time I saw her before she passed away, was just one more squandered moment I would have to live with. I was half asleep sitting at a restaurant with her, my grandpa and my dad. I had just gotten done playing a softball tournament in Bernie, Texas and was exhausted and silently wishing that I could be with the rest of my softball team who had gone to the mall.

When you are young, the important things, like family, don’t really seem important to you, because you never think you will ever have to live without them. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say I love you, one last time. I don’t even remember if I gave her a hug before I left. She knew that I loved her and I’m sure she understood that I was tired from playing softball in the hot sun all day, but that’s not the point.

These moments that we get with the people we love, they are all we have. Moments and memories and people who make us feel loved and experiences that make us feel alive. It is true, that youth is wasted on the young. We don’t understand the why’s of the world yet and maybe some people never do. Even more reason to be who you are and do what you love and always mean what you say.

The trouble is, you think you have all the time in the world to do the things you’ve never done, to say the things you’ve never said. But you don’t. Time is always there, lurking in the shadows, taking what it can and giving nothing in return. Time is not your friend, and time will wait for no one.

So lets say all the things we have never said.

And lets do all the things we have never done.

And lets tell the people we love, that we love them.

Lets say sorry when we are sorry.

Lets do the things that terrify us.

And lets stop being so afraid of what we want.

It’s really that simple.

So, I hope that you see things in your life that startle you and shake you to your bones. I hope you meet people that make you question everything. I hope you make a mess of your life from time to time, because in chaos, you will find strength. I hope you find things to marvel at every single day. I hope you feel things you never knew you could feel and I hope you appreciate the littlest of moments even if you don’t always see them coming. I hope you find out who you are and you love yourself anyway. I hope you find cracks in people and things and still find the beauty in them. I hope you know what you want, because even though going after what you want can be scary, the people who suffer the most are the ones who don’t know what they want. I hope you live a life that is your own, a life that makes you happy, a life that you are proud of. And if you find that you are not, then I hope you find the courage to start all over again.

Because, if not now… then, when?

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xo

TJ

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5 Responses to “If Not Now, When?”

  1. perfectlonelyworld February 25, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

    I’m in almost the exact same situation. My grandmother passed away 3 weeks ago, and even though she’s been sick for a while, a part of me always believed that she would be fine. And then, she wasn’t. I hadn’t spoken with her for over 4 years, and it’s been even longer since I last saw her. And that will always be something that I’ll regret.

    • Taylor Devost March 4, 2013 at 3:49 pm #

      So sorry to hear about your loss. In her honor though, you can try not to make the same mistake again. You live and you learn… although, sometimes the learning comes too late. So it goes. Thank you for reading! Xxx

  2. D February 25, 2013 at 3:59 pm #

    I believe that for the most part people will always believe that they should have done more because Guilt loves to creep in and bite you in the butt. Don’t let it. Your grandmother loved you and me dearly ( i know that for sure) and she also knew that you loved her deeply. I’m sure she’s happy that you turned out so amazing!!! I LOVE YOU !!!!!!
    D

    • Taylor Devost March 4, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

      Love you too! You have the best heart auntie!! Xxx

  3. Lorene Pinkley March 4, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    Complaincy is the killer of motivation. And it pervades our society. For many, it takes a personal tragedy for a person to wake up and smell the roses. For me, it took cancer and the possibility that what I have done is what I will have to make me decide to get off my butt and do something other than exist from day to day. You are smart to have figured this out at a young age.

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