A Goodbye Letter to Depression

26 Nov

I didn’t know the weight of your existence, until you came into my life. It was in January when we first met. I looked at you and said, “Oh, you will be gone soon enough.” I imagine, you looked at me and said, “she is mine for the taking.”

You did something most never do. You stayed. At first, I wasn’t sure you would last long, but you came to me, each day, slowly- in waves… until I was completely engulfed by you.

I began to drown in you, and I was both contented and terrified by this. I began to find comfort in the dark solace of my room. I lost many friends. They said I spent too much time with you, and you weren’t real to them.  Like a bad relationship, I couldn’t leave you, and you wouldn’t dare leave me. Not yet. Not until you got what you came for.

We spent every hour together. You sang me to sleep during the day. I should have been sun bathing or laughing with my friends, instead, I cuddled up to you as if you were a long lost relative. You convinced me that important parts of my life were now, pointless, and I should stop caring about them. I did. Maybe, I was easily influenced or maybe, I was just weak. Or maybe, it was all truly out of my control. You turned me into a different person, and then, into a hollow shell of a human that I did not recognize nor relate to.

I looked into the mirror and saw a stranger looking back with cold, lost eyes, hanging by a sliver of a thread.

I depended on you. You understood how I felt. You were the only one.

“She used to have that spark for life,” they would say in whispers, behind closed doors. They lost something too, you see. Everyone I loved and that loved me. They lost me. A version of me, anyway, that they would never see again.

For too long, I only existed in dampness. In solemn dreams, dull aches, lonely nights and sad songs that played on a never-ending loop. I existed in the in-betweens of life and death, of wake and sleep, of happiness and grief. I wasn’t alive and I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t happy nor sad. I wasn’t asleep, but I was not awake either. I was nothing. Nothing. Not even numb.

I had to take pills to get rid of you. I wasn’t strong enough to do it on my own. I needed you. I felt safe with you. But over time, I began to miss the feeling of being alive. You know the one. The one where you exist in a bubble of drunken euphoria with your best friends, time slows down and you tell yourself not to forget this moment. The feeling you get after leaving a concert, electricity flowing through your veins. The feeling you get while driving down the highway with the windows down, singing Joe Purdy at the top of your lungs. The feeling you get when someone special says something tiny and insignificant, but it means everything to you. The feeling of being alive – truly alive, amidst all the chaos.

I wanted to feel again. Even if that meant feeling pain.

You were scared when I began to fight you. And you should have been. I wanted the fire back.

I have been free of you for three months now. Three months of not having to wake up and swallow a pill to help get me through the day. I am three months old. My life has only just begun.

I am writing this to say goodbye. You were important to me. You changed my life. And for that, I am both proud of who I’ve become and nostalgic for the person I was before you came along. You challenged me. And I am better for it. You kept me in the dark. But I kept searching for little cracks of light, and slowly and suddenly – all at once, I found them. Little by little. A lot by a lot. Until cracks turned to streams, and streams turned to oceans, and oceans into the constellations that illuminated my world again.

You took my time. My spark. My hope. You took everything you could, until I thought I had nothing left to offer. And I surrendered it all to you, because I was not in control. You took a lot of things I will never fully get back. But in the end, the one thing you truly wanted to steal, was the one thing you couldn’t take. You couldn’t take ME.

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Photography by Casey Kim.

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11 Responses to “A Goodbye Letter to Depression”

  1. onlyforthisneed November 27, 2013 at 3:16 am #

    Dear Stranger,
    this was hard to read, but beautifully written. Sadly a few of my friends are going through similar struggles- at times they feel lost to me. It was interesting to read from your perspective, beyond my own as an outsider trawling through google and messy conversations in the search for understanding. I like the positive vibe, and the strength of your writing, it gives me hope and I’m sure others too. I adore the ‘feeling of being alive’ as your motivation. Stay true to yourself always.

    • Taylor Devost November 27, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

      Thank you so much for reading and the fact that you are actively seeking information on this disease speaks wonders about the kind of friend you are. Much better than most. Be patient. Be understanding. Know that they can’t control these changes. And be strong. It is hard to be someone who suffers from depression, but it is also difficult to watch someone you love go through it. Hope everything turns out for the better. xoxo

  2. sheebanavaid November 27, 2013 at 9:49 am #

    Reblogged this on Quotable Quotes.

  3. The Other Watson November 27, 2013 at 11:12 am #

    Wow, just beautiful!

  4. storyeyes November 30, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    This was beautiful. Anxiety and depression are diseases completely impossible to understand from without. Thank you for posting this, I know it wasn’t easy to write.

    • Taylor Devost December 2, 2013 at 4:51 am #

      Thank you so much for reading. It wasn’t easy to write, but it was necessary for my healing and growth. xoxo

  5. shaunleisher86 December 9, 2013 at 5:34 am #

    You have no idea how much this post has meant to me and how much I relate to every single thing you’ve written. I haven’t been able to beat it totally yet but I’m on my way there. Congratulations!!!

  6. atlanticadreams November 11, 2014 at 6:35 am #

    well depression comes through different reasons but when you are in love and that person is reason for depression is what hurts more . your every word and lines are identical to my life . strange how similar can it be to yours.

    • Taylor Devost February 18, 2015 at 4:17 am #

      Very strange. I hope you are learning to live again, to love again…. to always see the light in this world. XO

      • atlanticadreams March 9, 2016 at 11:09 am #

        There is light in this world.. But true love its completely darkness

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