How Losing Myself Saved My Life

31 Dec

Everyone gets a little lost in life. Some more so than others. Some never find themselves again. Some slowly drift back into the light and are better for it. And some, some stay lost forever. It’s easy you see, to live in the shadows. That’s why losing yourself is so dangerous, so poisonous and yet so tempting. For me, getting lost was all of these and more.

I’ve been lost in life, and it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t mean I took a wrong turn here, made a mistake there, or hurt someone so much that it drove me to madness. No. I mean, I lost myself completely. I was like a snake, shedding layers of my skin that each held a tiny piece of who I was… until that person no longer existed. Every layer of  skin was shed, and nothing was left but a shell. A sad little, lost shell.

The person I was before I lost myself was not a person that I particularly liked. I was a kid, a teenager consumed with gaining everyone’s approval, especially those who I disliked. I was selfish, consumed with my teen angst convinced that my problems were more colossal than global warming. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t know myself. I was defined by my peers perception of me. And I was trapped by this. Once a person sees you a certain way, it is almost impossible for them to see you as anything else.

People are who they are. People don’t change. Or so the saying goes. And maybe, a person can change. Maybe you have to lose yourself completely to find the person you were always meant to be.

There were times when I didn’t know how I would get through the day. I didn’t know how to make myself get out of bed, how to feel anything at all let alone be happy. I look back on those years and think it is a miracle that I am here today. And it is.

Losing myself has allowed me to find out who I am on my own terms. Away from high school, away from teenage boys who really do only have one thing on their mind, and away from parental and societal pressures to look and be a certain type of person. I can’t say its been easy, but it has been worth it.

I have never cared so deeply about people, about connection and relationships, about the world and about my passions. I have never been more empathetic, compassionate, open minded, open hearted and hopeful. I see the people living on the margins of society, the people who can’t pay their bills, the young kids hanging out on shadowy street corners looking for anything to fill a void. And I see that they have lost themselves too. And it’s important that someone tells them that there is still good in this world. People are good. The world is beautiful and cruel and it is only because of this that the earth keeps spinning.

And maybe if someone had told me this earlier in life, I never would have become who I am today, because I never would have been so lost to begin with. But I am telling you now just in case nobody else ever has.

It’s okay to get lost to get found.

Losing myself saved my life.

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4 Responses to “How Losing Myself Saved My Life”

  1. cindrs23 December 31, 2013 at 8:19 am #

    Reblogged this on cindrs23.

  2. taurusingemini January 2, 2014 at 9:16 am #

    And it sounds like you’re going through a psychological growth spurt, as i’d done back in 2008, and, I know how scared it is, to be lost, i’d already lived THAT life before, and now, i’m in the light, as i’m sure that you are too. Just don’t hurry in growing up, as too many children are forced to grow up too fast in the world…

  3. Tahsin January 3, 2014 at 10:19 am #

    Reblogged this on Tahsin Thoughts.

  4. dorisma2015 June 2, 2014 at 11:45 pm #

    Reblogged this on Indifferent and commented:
    Amazing!

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