What We Give Up, What We Gain

10 Nov

Have you ever noticed how when you’re in a relationship, you lose yourself?

Maybe not completely, and certainly not all at once. But parts of you get lost

in moments of compromise and apologies and sacrifice. Parts become pieces

that are yielded to expectations of the title you hold.

Girlfriend. Boyfriend. Husband. Wife.

Moments turn into days, and days turn to weeks, and years pass by unapologetically, scraping away aspects of yourself you didn’t realize were gone.

You used to love to bake, but he is a diabetic. You used to read avidly, but she is a movie aficionado. You love the big city, but his dream job landed you in a small town. You have always lived with pets, but she is allergic. He wants a big family, but you have always feared children.

The things you love, become the things you were willing to give up. For him. For her. For us.

Any maybe the fact that we lose ourselves is a big part of why we end up losing each other. Break ups. Separation. Divorce. She is not who you fell in love with. He is but a shadow of who you used to know.

We change, we grow, we shed our skin over and over again.We live a thousand lives in a million different frames of mind.

But maybe my focus is misplaced. Maybe it is not the losing that matters. But rather, that which you gain from the loss.

Maybe our bodies are making room for a better version of ourselves. A version that is more of who we are than who we have ever been before. Because of you. Because of me. Because of us. Together.

It’s okay to mourn the loss of our past selves. The parts of ourselves that are no longer deep within us. Just as it is okay to fear this loss, to fear what it means, and to be afraid of who we are now becoming. To be unsure of how this shift will effect your life. The life of not only her, but him. And both of you together.

We are human. Therefore, most things in life are inevitable. Emotion. Feeling. Experience. The beginning. The middle. The end.

We can not measure who we are in regards to who we have been, just as we can not measure love or sorrow or pain.

All we can do is be aware of the ways in which we change. In relationships. In marriage. In life. In love. The ways in which he has changed you. The ways in which she has inspired you. The way in which somehow, after all this time, you have both become one.

One love existing in two different bodies. And maybe, that is the biggest miracle, and the biggest loss of all.

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10 Responses to “What We Give Up, What We Gain”

  1. atlanticadreams November 11, 2014 at 5:56 am #

    its a blessing that love blossomed in two different people to unite them … but its destiny for those two if they depart .

  2. 365Days November 18, 2014 at 2:16 pm #

    Very beautifully jotted down all the realities of relationship that people can relate it to their life 🙂 Good piece of writing.

    • Taylor Devost February 18, 2015 at 4:16 am #

      Thank you. I find myself struggling with so much of what to give up in my own relationships. I am so happy to know others feel the same way. It is a humble reminder of how human, and how connected we all are.

  3. The Other Watson February 17, 2015 at 5:41 pm #

    Well said, as always! It’s such a hard balance to find – knowing what parts of yourself you can compromise and lose in a relationship in order to become a better person without losing too much. But, when you get it right, it can lead to a surprising happiness and contentment, too. 🙂

    • Taylor Devost February 18, 2015 at 4:14 am #

      Thanks! I hope you are doing well. I remember you saying you were dropping everything for love… to move to a new country. So very intrepid. I envy that courage. Wishing you tons of happiness and more!!! xoxo

      • The Other Watson February 18, 2015 at 9:53 am #

        Thank you, I am doing very well! How are you doing? It just occurred to me yesterday I hadn’t seen your blog in ages, although it also seems like your blogging has slowed down a little (which I can understand).
        Thank you, it’s taken over a year here in Sweden to get used to it but it’s starting to sink in. We’re going back to Australia to visit in a few months, but by then we’ll also be married (unless something dreadful goes wrong haha). But we’re also already eyeing up other countries to move to down the track (maybe Scotland). So…at least I found somebody else with itchy feet?
        Anyway, thank you so much for your sweet comment, I really hope you are doing well. You’re one of the kindest and sweetest people I’ve ever come across in all my blogging. xx
        P.S. I still love your poetry – I always want to go write more when I read yours!

      • Taylor Devost February 18, 2015 at 8:15 pm #

        Yes, I went through my 3rd bout of depression and was struggling with accepting treatment again. During that period, words began to exhaust me and I just had nothing to say. Or at least that is what it felt like! Hence the significant decrease in my blogs. I am in a better place now! Wow, your life sounds amazing! It is definitely a beautiful thing when you find someone who wants to run wild with you across countries and maybe even continents. Congrats on the upcoming nuptials! How exciting. So much is changing for you. Life moves so fast. Ah. I hope you can slow it down enough to enjoy all these moments as they pass! 🙂

        And thank you! That is a beautiful compliment. Keep me posted on all these exciting moment happening for you. 🙂

      • The Other Watson February 22, 2015 at 8:02 pm #

        Sorry about slow reply, I ended up crazy busy over the weekend (I made the decision to wed in a dark red/maroon suit so now I have to trek to find such a thing…oops).
        I am so sorry to hear you’ve had a rough time, depression is never easy to deal with, even when it’s not new anymore. But I am glad to hear you are in a better place now, too! If you ever want somebody to talk to about it all though, please let me know – I’m always happy to hear people out and talk to people about stuff like this (I’ve been through it a bit myself, half my family has been through it a lot, and my partner has been through that and severe anxiety, so I guess I have some experience?). But of course I hope you stay in a better place, too! 😀
        My life is pretty amazing, when I stop and think about it. It’s all so surreal. There’s plenty of stresses too, and I’ve faced some of the biggest challenges in my life these past couple of years. But it is amazing overall. There’s definitely been some great moments – my roadtrip around Sweden last year was one of my most favourite for sure. I’m trying to spend the time to explore my own town properly though, learn all the history and see the old buildings and even ruins in places. So much to discover, so little time! 😛
        Thank you, I will definitely keep you posted! 🙂

      • Taylor Devost February 18, 2015 at 8:18 pm #

        I also forgot to mention that I have complied my poems into a book…. and am going to begin looking into the self publishing process! It is a tremendously scary thought, but I figure I have nothing to lose!

      • The Other Watson February 22, 2015 at 8:06 pm #

        Oh wow, that’s awesome! Go you, I wish I had the courage to do that with my writing! I will do it eventually, I feel like I’m getting closer to that point (as in, I actually like some of the stories and poems I’ve written lately).
        Let me know how it goes! I am sure a lot of people would love to read your poetry like that, I have no idea what the market is like for self-published poetry compilations but I imagine you would do well in it regardless! 😀

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