Tag Archives: best friends

Friends

2 Mar

I’ve written before about pieces.

Pieces that get lost

when you’re in love with someone, as two hearts

begin to merge together.

I’ve always mourned the loss of those pieces, those parts

of myself that I resigned to never see again.

But maybe, I don’t have to mourn them.

Sitting on the couch, I finally realize what girl friends are for.

They are for reminding us of who we are when we can no longer remember,

for remembering all of our pieces and appreciating them,

for wiping the confusion and sadness away with the two words you’ve forgotten you needed

to hear: I understand.

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Strangers

2 Jan

I’ve known you

my entire life. And after all this time,

you should understand who

I am

with perfect clarity.

I am standing

right in front of you, and

you still

don’t see me.

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Tug of War: A Friendship Game

13 Dec

I have exactly eight people in my life that I consider a best friend. I’m sure some of you are already activating that stereotypical societal rule that you can only have one real best friend. Some of you are thinking, “eight best friends? How is that even possible?” However, when you think about how many people exist in this world, a mere eight that I trust and confide in is hardly even a blimp on the worlds radar.

Sometimes, I forget that not all of my best friends are lucky enough to have eight other people they consider a best friend, too. For some, I am all they have. Some have a few best friends, but are separated by distance. Some say they don’t connect with their other best friends like they do me. Not everyone is as blessed as I am, and I know this. But sometimes maintaining eight friendships is difficult on me. I think, sometimes certain friends depend on me too much. Sometimes, the fact that I have eight best friends that all need me (and that I need), causes me to be pulled in different directions trying to cater to the needs of too many people.

Sometimes, they tug and tug so hard in different directions that I feel like I might be torn apart. For many of them, I am the middle man. They all know of each other, but they don’t all get along. Some don’t understand why I spend time with some of the others. Some think I should make more time for them, because I have known them longer. Some are insecure about losing me. Some are insecure about maintaing that “best friend status.” Some are scared they won’t measure up to my other best friends.

None of them know that sometimes, I feel like a dead carcass. Sometimes, it feels like I am just something for them to fight over. Just a prize for the winner to proclaim, “aha, I have won, which means I am her real best friend. Not you.”

I understand these issues and fears, because I am human too. I am flawed and I have insecurities, and the idea of losing one of my best friends is unfathomable. But I am just one person. Friendship isn’t a game. Friendship isn’t a competition. Friendship shouldn’t feel like tug of war.

I have eight best friends and my friendship dynamic is different with each and every one of them, which is exactly how it should be. Why would I be best friends with eight different people if they were all identical or if the rewards garnered for their friendship were all the same. Some of them are childhood best friends, some are family, some are connected to me by molecules and atoms and come in the shape of a soul mate. Some came into my life at a time when I needed them the most. Some give me both nuance and stability. Some give me feelings of nostalgia while reminding me how far we have all come. I have more depth with some than others, and I have more breadth with some than others. No friendship is the same. What is the same, is that we all laugh together, grow and change together, and we all have ups and downs with each other.

Nobody will ever know how hard it is to maintain eight friendships with people who don’t all like each other or understand each other, and are sometimes jealous of each other. Sometimes, the constant tug in different directions can become tedious, frustrating and just plain sad to me. The truth remains though, that I wouldn’t trade any of them for just the friendship of one. They are all an essential part of who I am and why I get out of bed in the morning.

Maybe if you have more than one best friend you will be able to relate to this post. I hope so. I hope I am not the only one. Maybe, you too, know what it feels like to be tugged in different directions by different people whom you have equal love and respect for.

Maybe I should have listened to my elementary school teacher when for show and tell I talked about my three childhood friends and she said, “no. Choose one.” Maybe I should have only named one person when I sat down to dinner with my parents and they asked, “so who is your best friend this year?” Maybe, I should only choose to share my secrets, my pain and my glory with one person in this world. Maybe then my life would be easier. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to cater to the needs of so many different people who sometimes forget to cater to mine. Maybe, I would know some sort of peace, a quiet that I haven’t known since kindergarten.

But probably not, because my life would be empty. Less colorful. Lonely. Uniform. Hollow. All eight of my best friends are a part of who I am and every thought and belief I have has been cultivated by their influence and presence in my life. I wouldn’t be half the person I am today, without all of them.

I just wish they could all see that as clearly as I do.

I am all of them, and all of them is me.

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Dancing In The Dark

10 Apr

Show me your scars

and I will guide your fingers

down my bruised spine.

Tell me about

the monsters

swimming in your head

maybe ours,

are some of the same.

Cry to me

the horrors of your past

and I will sing to you

about the demons

I could not fight.

It’s easy to feel okay

on sunny days.

Take my hand.

Together,

we will teach our shadows

how to dance

in

the rain.

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Book No. 32 – Summer Sisters

22 Feb

Summer Sisters is a coming of age novel about two friends, Caitlin Somers and Victoria “Vix” Leonard, who spend every summer together as teenagers. The girls are complete opposites, Caitlin is beautiful, lively and popular while Vix is shy but intellectual. As the years progress the girls become closer and closer but when they each go on their own paths in life they find that their relationship has become somewhat strained. Caitlyn can’t seem to fulfill her wanderlust and is a free spirit never staying in one place for too long, whereas Vix, is a harvard graduate trying to support herself in New York City. They have their fair share of fights and fall outs and throughout the years they grow and change into two completely different women, but they always find a way back to each other. But I mean what else would expect from a life long friend?

It seems like just yesterday I was running through the streets like a hoodlum with my 3 best friends. We would spend our whole entire summers at the pool across the street from my house, swimming for hours and hours on end. We would play capture the flag in the sandbox at the park and have intense and sometimes violent games of wall ball at the tennis courts. We would sneak into the the indoor racquetball courts and goof around until we got kicked out. During the summers we would pray for a flood and each summer we received a couple of them. We would run through the murky flood waters that sometimes came all the way up to our wastes, we would scream and wave our arms at huge trucks passing by hoping that they would splash us (they did!) We would spend hours and hours jumping on the backyard trampoline belching out the lyrics to She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5, Face Down by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Mr. Brightside by The Killers, and Sugar We’re Going Down by Fallout Boy. We would have sleepovers that lasted 5 days and 5 nights and we would play board games, video games, card games, we would have pillow fights and watch scary movies… and on some summer nights we would sneak out. We would creep through the streets at 2 am and run to the elementary school near by, feeling so bad ass for sneaking past the police station! We would egg and toilet paper peoples houses and scream with joy and fear of getting caught. One summer night we even snuck out to bury a time capsule, just the four of us. We made a pact that we would never tell a soul about it and on the night the last one of us graduated high school we would go back and dig it up. (We did go back and dig it up.) Just after Christmas, the people in my neighborhood would dispose of their Christmas trees across the street from my house and the four of us would spend all day building Christmas tree forts and at night we would sit inside them and look up at the starry sky. We would ride our bikes to JMH, the neighborhood grocery store and get lunchables and tons of candy. We played barbies together and we played Doctor and Teacher with our stuffed animals. Through the years, the four of us have grown up and we have all changed in different ways, but to me we will always be those four little kids running through the streets barefoot, causing trouble whenever possible, and living life without a care in the world.

The four musketeers!

Taylor also known as Anorexic Mary-Kate and Parrot Bunz.

Haden also known as Fish Tank and Frodo Toes.

Hannah also known as Bulimic Bitch and Banana Bunz.

Colbie also known as Pamela Red and Bubble Bunz.

We were inseparable as little kids and could always count on each other to get into some sort of trouble! Now that we are older we are still the best of friends, but now we count on each other for support, love and guidance through life. There is a quote that says, “friends are the family we choose for ourselves.” If thats the case, I think I chose pretty damn good.

Now that we are older we have all graduated high school and are currently in college. I remember the summer right after my graduation.. we were all sad because I would be moving to Oklahoma in August for college. I went out side and I found Hannah crying by herself on the swing in her backyard. It would be the first time me and her would be apart from each other for such a long period of time. The night before I left, the four of us had a sleepover and we stayed up all night long playing cards and eating junk food and laughing till we cried… just like when we were little. When I moved to Oklahoma I was terrified that somehow the dynamic between the four of us would change and I feared that somehow I would lose them and the four of us would be no more. What I realized however, is that everything I did and everything I saw reminded me of them and times we had together and I felt them with me all the time. This is a poem I wrote my first year at OU about the four of us.

I thought I lost it

But I can feel it coming back again

Like the rain

That washes away all our sin

And we are pure again

I can feel it coming back again

Like the pain

Reminding us we rarely win

But then we mend

I can feel it coming back again

Like the wind

Reminding us we are all alive

And we survived

I can feel it coming back again

Like a leaf floating out in air

Reminding us our destination

Anywhere

I can feel it coming back again

Like a memory fading slow

Reminding us how much we’ve grown

We’ll never be alone

I can feel it coming back again

A night of endless laughter

Reminding us how much we loved

This will always be enough

I can feel it coming back again

Just the four of us

I can feel it

It’s the perfect song at the perfect time

It’s a gentle touch, it’s a beautiful lie

It’s an endless night, and we’re in love

Do you know the feeling I am thinking of?

It’s a winding road, and an open highway

All that’s left is to drive away

The wind in our hair, the love in our eyes

If only we could forget our lives

I thought I lost it

I thought it was gone

I take a deep breath cause I was wrong

I thought I lost it

But I can feel it coming back again

Like the moon in the dark of night

That gives us hope of love

Reminding us to just hold tight

I can feel it coming back again

Like a young girl swinging in the wind

Reminding us we’ll be forever young

You know this feeling I am thinking of

I can feel it coming back again

Like the sun shining on my skin

Reminding us of better days

And we will all be okay

I can feel it coming back again

Like a stab in the back from an old friend

Reminding us who we can trust

Nobody, but the four of us

I can feel it coming back again

Like a cute boy who’s got you believing in him

Reminding us risks are worth taking

All of us have been mistaken

I can feel it coming back again

Like a night of infinite possibilities

Reminding us how much we loved

This will always be enough

It’s a mischievous night, it’s truth or dare

It’s looking like a fool but we don’t care

It’s fighting off demons, It’s living out loud

It’s forgiving others and making us proud

It’s living life with no regrets, It’s holding on to what we know best

It’s being reckless and making mistakes

It’s knowing each other is our saving grace

It’s an endless night, and we’re in love

Do you know the feeling i’m thinking of?

It’s the sound of the ocean, it’s the taste of the sea

It’s the sand between our toes, It’s who we dreamed we’d always be

It’s feeling so lost, It’s being alone

It’s taking my hand and guiding me home

It’s knowing that someday all this will change

But knowing our love will always sustain

I thought I lost it

I thought it was gone

I take a deep breath cause I was wrong

Cause I can feel it coming back again

Just the four of us, living in sin

I can feel it

I can feel it deep in my soul

I can feel it as the thunder rolls

I can feel it coming back again

I can feel it

Just when you think it’s going to end

It always comes back again

I can feel it

It’s a rare and beautiful thing to find a life long friend. An old friend is like a mirror. They know you better than sometimes, you know yourself. They have grown up with you, they have laughed with you, they have cried with you and they have seen you grow into the person you have become. Hannah and I often joke about how we will be old ladies wreaking havoc on the nursing home we live in and having wheel chair races together. We talk about how our children will grow up knowing the same bond of friendship we have been so lucky to discover and hold on to. Almost 16 years and the four of us are still the best of friends, we’re more than friends actually. We’re family.

This is a picture of us having snuck into the racquetball court!

Haden and Colbie at Prom 08′

Most likely skipping school to play around at the galleria.. (sorry mom secrets out!)

Europe trip together!

Haden and I at prom 08′.

Goofing around at Angies!

Sisters!

Bro and Sis!

Best Friends.

Twins.

Trampoline Craziness.

Friends come and go, but every once in a while a person (or in my case 3), will come a long and they will stay in your life for much longer than you expected. Hold on to the people you can’t live without. Make time for the people you love. Nurture your friendships and help them grow. Because when you are old and wrinkly you will want to look back fondly on the memories you have made – and many of the best memories you will ever have and some of the best moments of your life, will be with your friends.

…And in that moment, I swear we were infinite…

Xo.

Taylor Jordan

Book No. 8 – Something Like Fate

8 Sep

Holy shizz balls guys!! I actually read 8 books in 1 month!!! This calls for a major celebration. Like. Margaritas. Frozen. Or on the rocks. Lots of salt. YUM. Okay, so book number 8, Something Like Fate by Susane Colasanti, is a book I came across while grocery shopping. Thank you Henry E. Butt (HEB) for creating a mini Barnes & Nobles in your store. Major life savor. I saw the cover of this book and was like hmmm… then I read the back and literally laughed out loud in the grocery store. Yes, people were staring. Do I care? No. The book is about two best friends and a boy. How cliche, right? But WAIT. Erin and Lani are best friends. Erin starts dating Jason. But Jason secretly likes Lani. Erin goes to camp over the summer. Jason and Lani get together. Lani steals Erin’s boyfriend… friendship over. (well, sorta). UM, Isn’t this the story of my high school love life??? I’m Lani, by the way. I mean and just look at the picture on the cover of the book. WTF. Could it be any more perfect? HA. CRACKING UP.

I feel like I can laugh about the whole experience now because I’m over it and I believe the other two people in my love triangle are over it too. It was a super easy read, definitely a teeny bopper book, which I don’t usually read. I finished it in two hours.

Okay, so basically for those of you who don’t know me. In high school my best friend was dating a guy, he cheated on her with me, me and him started dating and now he is dating her again. It was all really complicated and hurtful, but that is in the past and I think all 3 of us have moved past the drama and are happier now.

Here are some quotes from the book that I felt I could relate my experience to. Because for a while, I was basically “the other girl.”

“I never meant for it to happen like this. But if I had the chance, there’s no way I would take it all back.”

“What kind of person would do something like that to their best friend?”

“Once you put it all out there, you’re free.”

“Do we have control over our fate? Or will our lives turn out the same no matter what we do?”

“She gets like this sometimes – only seeing what she wants. It’s a sort of tunnel vision that makes her oblivious.”

“When you’re in the middle of a situation, sometimes it’s hard to see how things really are.”

“I’m trying to ignore these things I see. There the kind of truth you can never tell your best friend.”

“Your heart always knows, even if the truth is too hard to admit.”

“Love isn’t logical, or even our choice. Love chooses us.”

It’s the things you have in common that connect you.”

“We’re irrevocably tied together by history, a history that can never be erased. Even if you want to deny it, even if you want to pretend it never existed, it will always be a part of you. It will always, in some way, define who you are.”

“I’m not sure if our friendship is strong enough to survive into the next year when we’re away at college. But. We know each other in a way that no one else can. We share a history that makes us permanently connected. So I have hope for us. All I can do is hope.”

And for all you Judge Judy’s out there going, “OMG I can’t believe she stole her best friends boyfriend! What a slut.” Let me just say, first of all STOP judging me because you have probably done worse. Second, nothing is ever black and white and life is complicated. DUH. And third, all THREE people involved are to blame. Each of us played a part in it. OK. Oh, and fourth, I didn’t “steal” him… it was more like he came sprinting to me with his arms wide open.

That said. The book wasn’t the best piece of literature I have read. I wouldn’t recommend it unless you are in to teeny bopper drama and predictable story lines, or if like me, you can relate to it.

Xo.

Taylor Jordan

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