Tag Archives: insomnia

Sleep

18 Feb

Elusive, devil

trickster

ghost.

I wish we would meet again,

soon.

insomnia sleep

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Book No. 6 – The Life You Were Born To Live : A Guide to Finding Your Life Purpose

6 Sep

I am very reluctant to type this blog because once I do I will be forced to talk about it. “It” being everything and anything I don’t want to be talking about. This past year has been a challenging one to say the least and it is because of these challenges that I decided I needed to read The Life You Were Born To Live by Dan Millman. I guess I should start from the beginning: I went to college out of state at a school where I didn’t  know a single soul, missing my boyfriend, my family and especially my best friend of 15 years. About a month in, I broke up with my boyfriend because I felt that I needed to experience college. Or at least thats what I told myself. I don’t wanna delve too deep into this subject because no matter how much I try to explain mine and his relationship, people never seem to understand it. It’s complicated and there is a lot of history there. The truth was, no matter how much I cared about him, deep down I knew we weren’t good together. I think I realized that fact long before he did, nevertheless, it was still difficult to accept. I didn’t realize how much the breakup would hurt him but as the words came out of my mouth I knew there was no going back. He cried and I laid with him knowing that this would probably be the last time. I didn’t want to hurt him because wether he believed it or not I did love him, just not the way he wanted me to. After the breakup, I thought I would just immediately move on and be okay, but I wasn’t. I missed him but at the same time felt like I could breathe again. Not having him to talk to was the hardest part, not having his friendship anymore. It took me a long time to get over everything that had happened in our relationship, the lies, lack of trust, manipulation, emotional abuse, and the more I talked about it with my new friends, the more I realized how unhealthy it all was. On both sides. I wasn’t perfect either and I know I could have done things differently to make our relationship better. He is a good guy, and he deserves to be happy, we both do. I believe he is happy now and thats all I’ve ever wanted for him. If friendship were an option, I’d take it but I don’t know if thats possible.

   

Pics from the past. I debated wether or not I should post pictures on here, because I felt that I should try and maintain some privacy for those I am writing about, but I decided I wanted to share some. I don’t really see any harm in it.

During this year at college, my 15 year long friendship began to unravel. She was absent through the most difficult year of my life. (keep reading and you will see why I say, “most difficult year of my life.”) Now, we hardly speak. She was one of three friends I had told about my grandpas death and she didn’t call, didn’t text, didn’t ask how I was doing, and offered absolutely no moral support or comfort. I think this is the moment I realized, we weren’t really friends anymore. When a persons loved one dies, I offer comfort and support to them even if I hardly know them. But from her, I got NOTHING. So, losing her was difficult as well. I lost my boyfriend and my best friend, two people who knew me better than almost anyone. It’s funny how you can love someone, but you stop needing them like you used to. Who knows, maybe we will get back to how we used to be, or maybe those days are gone forever.

And now I know all of you who are reading are thinking the same thing : “Um, whats so difficult about moving to college and breaking up with your boyfriend? We all have to do it.” Well, yes we all do have to go to college and move away from home and some of us do break up with our boyfriends. I understand WE ALL go through it and it is a lot easier for some than for others. I’m just explaining MY story and why it was hard for me personally.

A couple months after the break up, I started to reconnect with an old flame and my ex-boyfriend had started dating his ex girlfriend again. To immersed in the blossoming of my own love life, the fact that he was dating his ex again didn’t really faze me. This new guy treated me differently than I had ever been treated before. He was HONEST and he wanted to know me, everything about me. He listened to every word I said and laughed at every dumb story I told. If you believe in soul mates, you could say I had found mine. But the timing was horribly wrong and as we all learn at some point or another, timing is everything. I had never felt this way before. I always wanted to be with him, talk to him, touch him. He made me feel like I was so much more than a pretty face. You know that feeling you get, that emptiness, like something is missing in your life? Like something just isn’t complete? With him, that feeling ceased to exist, he made me feel whole and somehow we were both completely in sync with each other. (Omg. Cheesy, I know.) But it’s true. So, obviously when this relationship ended I was broken. I have always been pretty resilient, but this loss was hard to bounce back from.

I keep having this inner debate on wether or not I should share my poems on here because they just seem a little too personal to share, but I decided to share this one. The one about my ex-boyfriend, however, I decided to take out.

A poem I wrote during this relationship.

I’ve never had regrets in life

Except for maybe you

And all the things I didn’t do

I should’ve kissed you when I had the chance

I should’ve made you understand

I should’ve made you hold my hand

All the things I could’ve done

To make you change your mind

But there wasn’t enough time

Maybe things would’ve ended differently

If only I had tried a little harder

Cause the way you make me feel is nothing I’ve ever known

When I talk to you I don’t feel so alone

I lay awake at night

Cause you’re running through my mind

You’re everything I thought I’d never find

I picture all the conversations I wish we could have

And memories that I wish would always last

But I guess the timing just wasn’t right

And I can tell I’m losing this fight

I feel you pushing me further away

And I wish there was something I could do to make you stay

But prides a funny thing you see

Cause it holds me back from saying all the things you should know

And I wish I had more time

To see all the different layers of you

Maybe then I could break through

All those walls we’re both hiding behind

I never imagined I’d find a guy like you

Someone I can really relate to

You understand everything I say

And make me feel like I’m more than a pretty face

And that will mean more to me

Than anything any other guy has given me

And even if I never see you again

I’ll always remember when

We went and looked at christmas lights

I felt like maybe the universe aligned

Cause everything just felt so right

We laughed and talked during Carlito’s Way

And in that moment I knew I could love you some day

If you’d only give me the chance

All these little signs they point to you

And coincidence is working wonders on us too

I feel something that you can’t see

I know you are part of fates plan for me

So when I drive past Brompton

I’ll go back in time to Berkshires and December

And I’ll remember

Remember your smile

And your soft brown eyes

Remember how you gave me butterflies

And I know I don’t mean all that much to you

And there’s tons of girls you have yet to go through

But maybe somewhere down the road

Something will make you remember

Me and Berkshires and December

And when you make it, like I know you will

And everyone comes running to your door

I hope you remember I knew you before

And if you’re sitting there wondering

Whats missing in your life

Just remember to believe in fate, and you’ll be all right

If you feel lost or lonely or broken down

And you can’t seem to pick yourself up off the ground

Remember that everything happens for a reason

And whats meant to be, will be

Oh, I wish you’d take a chance on me

Cause risks are always worth taking

And there is no mistake in life that isn’t worth making

And I know there is distance between us

And you’re still in love with a girl you knew before

But I get high just from being around you

So please don’t close the door

But if you decide not to give us a try

Read this poem and know it’s goodbye

You know, I’ve never had a problem being on my own

But being with you is like coming home

The feeling of comfort and being safe

No one will ever take your place

So on those rainy days where there’s nothing to do

I’ll go back in time to when I was with you

I’ll think of your smile, your sarcasm, your touch

And I’ll remember feeling like I was enough

There’s some things in life that just don’t ever fade

A feeling, a memory, you walking away

But in the end it will all be okay

Cause all I have to do to smile again

Is remember when we were together

Yeah, I’ll always remember

You and Berkshires and December.

I am both happy and sad when I read this poem.

Now comes the most difficult part to write about.

My second semester at college, I got sick. Well, at least thats how my doctor describes it. Nothing fatal, and to most of you probably nothing even remotely serious. I stopped sleeping. I just couldn’t sleep, my mind would race all night and all day about anything and everything. I had insomnia. I started getting severe anxiety attacks and not to long after that depression payed me a visit. I had never felt so dark, so lost, so alone. Depression is a terrifying thing. I lost my whole sense of self. I had crying spells over the most insignificant of things, I isolated myself from all my friends and family because heaven forbid they ever find out the way I was feeling. I thought I could handle it on my own. Big mistake. For 4 months, it got worse and worse and I felt like I was being swallowed by this massive hole of darkness. Nobody knew. And for those 4 months, I refused to believe I had a problem. It’s normal to be feeling like this, I thought. Not sleeping, holing myself in my room, refusing to be social, skipping classes, I even stopped eating. It all caught up to me. I finally had a nervous breakdown and was put on medication with recommended therapy. My family became aware of the situation and since then, we have been working on getting me to a better place. My doctor says I need to “practice the art of just being.” So much easier said than done. Feeling ashamed of myself for being depressed, feeling like something is wrong with me for feeling this way when there are so many others who have it worse. “You have a disease,” my doctor said. “You have to look at this just as you would cancer. You have to work to get better. Depression, it controls you, and it will take over who you are if you let it.” To this day, I still can’t pin point what caused my depression, anxiety and insomnia and I think that has been the most difficult part. Not knowing why I feel the way I do. It has been equally hard, not telling anybody about it. I was ashamed. I didn’t want people to know me at my weakest points. Plus, I have come to realize that many people don’t really care about your problems. Some of you who know me are probably thinking YEAH RIGHT, Taylor is not depressed. And what I have to say to those skeptics is this: You never really know what lies beneath the surface of a person. You only see what they want you to see, and just because someone appears happy on the outside doesn’t mean something isn’t terribly wrong inside. 9 months later and I am slowly but surely getting to a better place. The crying spells are less frequent now, I have let a couple friends back in to my life, I am sleeping more regularly, and I am forcing myself to be more sociable. Which is hard. Somedays, I have to force myself to get out of bed and take a shower and other days I feel like everything is gonna be alright.

.      

I know that there are so many other people in the world who have it worse than I do. I am not trying to make my issues seem larger than anybody else’s, I am only sharing my experience with you and praying that you understand the word empathy.

For some reason, this is the song I listened to in the midst of my depression.

Lay It Down Slow

I had to transfer schools because of my current “health condition” and am now living back in Houston with my family. It feels good to be home, it feels safe. I spend a lot of time with my family and my doggies, which has been therapeutic for me. I guess a part of me wants to stay close to them so nothing like this ever happens again.

   

   

This summer my grandpa was admitted to the hospital for a number of things. He had pneumonia, suffered from a heart attack, his blood was too thin, and only 25 percent of his heart was functioning properly. He spent the last month of his life in the hospital before passing away. Losing someone you love, in any sense, is never easy, but death is permanent. The hardest part is accepting that you will never see that person again and to watch all the people you love suffer so much pain. Letting go has never been my strong suit and funerals are NEVER easy, but I got through it. We all did.

Every time I hear this song I think about my grandma and grandpa who, after 6 years of separation, are finally together again in heaven.

Hear You Me

With Grandpa. 4 weeks before he died.

A picture of us with Grandpa, 4 weeks before he died.

So, now that I have summed up the past year (trust me, I could have written a whole novel about it) you can see why I wanted to read this book. The guide to finding your life purpose. I was feeling lost and unsure of everything and feeling like I had no direction anymore. I felt like I was fading away and I didn’t recognize the person I was becoming. I wanted this book to remind me who I was, what I was capable of, and give me a sense of self. It did just that. This book was so accurate in describing my strengths and weaknesses that it was scary. It explained how to work on them and how to really improve my life. So, even if you have NEVER read a book before in your life, I strongly encourage you to buy this book and READ it. It’s very insightful and gives you a look at the inner workings of not only yourself but others as well. It’s based on birthdays, so naturally many of you are already skeptical, but all of the ones I’ve read so far describing people I know, have been insanely accurate. So BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY. NOW.

For those of you who stayed with me the entire blog, THANK YOU.

“Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world …
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it …
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be.”

-KT Tunstall

Xo.

Taylor Jordan

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