Tag Archives: Life

What We Give Up, What We Gain

10 Nov

Have you ever noticed how when you’re in a relationship, you lose yourself?

Maybe not completely, and certainly not all at once. But parts of you get lost

in moments of compromise and apologies and sacrifice. Parts become pieces

that are yielded to expectations of the title you hold.

Girlfriend. Boyfriend. Husband. Wife.

Moments turn into days, and days turn to weeks, and years pass by unapologetically, scraping away aspects of yourself you didn’t realize were gone.

You used to love to bake, but he is a diabetic. You used to read avidly, but she is a movie aficionado. You love the big city, but his dream job landed you in a small town. You have always lived with pets, but she is allergic. He wants a big family, but you have always feared children.

The things you love, become the things you were willing to give up. For him. For her. For us.

Any maybe the fact that we lose ourselves is a big part of why we end up losing each other. Break ups. Separation. Divorce. She is not who you fell in love with. He is but a shadow of who you used to know.

We change, we grow, we shed our skin over and over again.We live a thousand lives in a million different frames of mind.

But maybe my focus is misplaced. Maybe it is not the losing that matters. But rather, that which you gain from the loss.

Maybe our bodies are making room for a better version of ourselves. A version that is more of who we are than who we have ever been before. Because of you. Because of me. Because of us. Together.

It’s okay to mourn the loss of our past selves. The parts of ourselves that are no longer deep within us. Just as it is okay to fear this loss, to fear what it means, and to be afraid of who we are now becoming. To be unsure of how this shift will effect your life. The life of not only her, but him. And both of you together.

We are human. Therefore, most things in life are inevitable. Emotion. Feeling. Experience. The beginning. The middle. The end.

We can not measure who we are in regards to who we have been, just as we can not measure love or sorrow or pain.

All we can do is be aware of the ways in which we change. In relationships. In marriage. In life. In love. The ways in which he has changed you. The ways in which she has inspired you. The way in which somehow, after all this time, you have both become one.

One love existing in two different bodies. And maybe, that is the biggest miracle, and the biggest loss of all.

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The Girl Who Gives Too Much

9 Nov

I shed pieces of myself

everywhere I go.

Every new city that opens my eyes, every small town

that widens my heart, every old friend

who increases my understanding, every

new acquaintance who tests my loyalty,

every stranger depending on my empathy, every love

sustained by my vulnerability.

All I am is pieces.

Pieces put together, delicate and complex, that will inevitably fall away.

And I am afraid

I will give this world every last piece,

until I have nothing left of myself, not even a hollow shell.

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Casey Kim Photography.

Dark Days Passed

1 May

Dark days passed,
slow.
I wasn’t
sure they would
when I was in them.
But winter
turned
to spring.
And just to walk
outside
some days,
was enough.

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I Was Afraid of The Way

22 Apr

I was afraid of the way

he made me

feel. Like, at any given moment

I could choose

to create

the world I wanted

to live in.

 

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Time

24 Mar

“I’m defenseless,” she said as she watered her plants.

“Against what?” her husband asked as

he poured himself a cup of coffee.

“Time,” she said as she began to cry.

“Just time.”

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Permanence

12 Feb

“What are you afraid of?” he asked.

“Permanence,” she said.

“Isn’t that what most humans crave?” he questioned very confused.

But she wasn’t like most humans. She always lived life like a storm, just passing through until the next destination.

When things stayed the same for too long she began to unravel;

to get anxious and jittery and nervous, like waiting

for a volcano to erupt or a bomb to explode, knowing that when it does your life will never be like it is now,

ever again.

Permanence, that is what terrified her.

“We’re all holding onto this notion that if we work hard enough we can maintain some sort of stability and comfort, that if we try enough, life will always be like it is now,” she said. “That isn’t real.”

“What is real then?” he asked.

“The flood will come. The storm will change you. There’s nothing you can do to stop that,” she declared. “But go ahead and try to prepare yourself, stock up on goods and make plans to prevent the inevitable. I will be sitting on my front  porch waiting for the eye of the hurricane to swallow me and spit me out; someone different, someone new.”

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To Fill The Emptiness

17 Jan

Every saturday night they would get together

at a house that no one felt at home in; to smoke

and drink and talk about nothing that mattered

very much. And in the haze of forced laughter and broken

bottles, they would sit around the single wooden table.

Creaking walls and owl noises echoed louder than their

loneliness, and they drank beer like oxygen; as if it were the

only thing getting them through the next moment. And as they

sat together, each alone wondered if life could ever be more

than this, more than grasping for a single straw to fill the emptiness.

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