Book No. 27 – The Faster I Walk, The Smaller I Am

Book number 27 is called The Faster I Walk, The Smaller I Am by Kjersti A. Skomsvold. Getting older is something I personally dread and I’m sure majority of you do too. To think that one day I will look in the mirror and I won’t be able to recognize the tired, wrinkly face looking back at me is just plain scary. The main character in the book, Mathea Martinsen has never been good with people and after a long life her only real accomplishment is that she is still alive. She is consumed with thoughts of death. She often wonders how she will die and when and she knows it is only a matter of time. This woman is terrified of interacting with other human beings so she isolates herself inside her home and only leaves to go to the grocery store. She is terrified of dying but she is equally terrified of living. So basically, she sits and waits for death to take her so she can finally be at peace. She finds her greatest joy in the rare moments where a stranger will ask her for the time. And when she tells them the time, she feels like maybe she just might have a purpose in life. To give people the time. A minuscule purpose, but a purpose she cherishes none-the-less. The character in this book has disappeared so completely that the world won’t even notice her passing. She has made no mark on the world, left no trace of who she is behind and when she dies, nobody will even know she existed. The main character, Mathea, is adorably absurd in her language, thoughts and actions that you can’t help but love and feel sorry for her at the same time. She is a perfect example of the irreparable loneliness of being human. We all feel alone at times. And thats because we are, in a sense, until we die. What this book makes me realize is that some people live their whole entire lives in darkness, like vampires. They are cut off from humanity, caged and cloistered because of fear. Fear will seal your fate.. and it will not be a satisfying or happy one. Mathea is a prime example of this. I often wonder what I will have to look back on when I am 80 years old and on my death bed. Did I ever get married? Did I ever go to Africa? Was I happy? Did I live? Think. When you are 80 years old and waiting to die, what memories will you want to look back on? Will you wish you had taken that family vacation? Will you wish you had quit your job because it makes you so miserable? Make your life your own, and you will have no regrets at the end of your days. We should all share a common goal: to not leave this world without leaving our legacy’s behind, other wise, our lives will be nothing more than a waste. It’s easy to feel small in a world so big, but know that we all have a place here, and when you feel like you are shrinking, fading into oblivion, know that there are things to hold on to. Hope. Faith. Each other. Humans are not meant to go through life alone. Life is complex, and it may very well be the scariest and cruelest thing out there, but the way we get through it is by not doing it alone. We have each other to hold on to, to keep each other going, to keep each other sane. Once you let go of the people that surround you, there is no turning back. So never let go. Ever.

In my Valentines Day card this year my dad wrote, : “Climb every mountain, cross every stream… until you reach your dream.”

It’s not too late to change your life. No matter how old you are, your life is YOURS.

One of my favorite poets, Pablo Neruda, said this:

“Someday, somewhere – anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.”

Decide that it will be the happiest hour of your life. Live your life on your own terms and in turn, you will love the life you live and more importantly, you will love yourself.

Xo.

Taylor Jordan

Book No. 22 – Life Without Limits

“Life Without Limits” is a book about Nick Vujicic, a man who was born without arms or legs. Nick tells his storing explaining what it was like to live with his physical disabilities and the emotional battle he struggled to overcome as a young adult. Just reading his story makes me feel like an ass hole every time I complain about anything in my life. Can you even imagine having to live your life with no arms or legs??

This is a picture of Nick Vujicic.

Here I am complaining about not having enough cute clothes and this man is trying to figure out how to dress himself. I bought this book because I like reading inspirational stories, it makes me feel like I can do something good in my lifetime. If this man, who has no arms or legs, can accomplish great things then I sure as hell can too! Nick Vujicic had a difficult time accepting his condition and for the longest time he wondered if their was anyone on earth like him.  He was the kid born with no arms or legs, but through his positive attitude and is faith in God he became the man with no arms and legs that travels all over the world spreading his message and giving inspiration and hope to others. He has set up a non profit organization called Life Without Limbs which helps support ten different charities. He has traveled to South Africa, Columbia, Indonesia, Ghana and tons of other amazing places to share his message of self acceptance. He even got to meet Bethany Hamilton (the surfer girl whose arm was bitten off by a shark) who taught him how to surf. In his book he talks about so many different things that we all, as humans, struggle to cope with. One of which is accepting yourself for who you are.

‘Take a look in the mirror right now and say, “This is who I am.”

Self acceptance is something many of us struggle with on a daily basis. I know I do. Someone once asked me to name three things I liked about myself, but my mind went blank and I couldn’t name a single thing. Other times people will ask me, “Well, what are you good at?” and I sit and think for a second but my response is always the same, “I don’t know… nothing really.” This is because I often doubt my capabilities and although on the outside it may seem like I believe in myself, most of the time I am not sure about my worth. So many of us struggle with feelings of inadequacy and we are often plagued with the feeling that no one will ever love us. This is why I always tell my friends that they are perfect and beautiful just the way they are. My friend Casey has always told me that I am horrible at accepting compliments from people. Most of the time they make me uncomfortable or I just don’t believe they are true.

If someone would say to me, “You look beautiful.” rather than saying thank you I would say, “Um.. no I don’t.”

If someone tells me they love me I think to myself, “No you don’t. You don’t even really know me.”

If someone says they like my writing I say, “It’s really not that good.”

If someone tells me I’m skinny I yell, “Are you kidding me!? Do you see these love handles?!!”

I can’t accept compliments because deep down I feel inadequate. I feel mediocre. Unaccomplished. Invisible. Imperfect. Somewhere along the way I lost the ability to love myself, and that my friends, is the greatest tragedy of all.

“If you don’t accept yourself it not only leads to self destruction, it leads to isolation. The only measure of your beauty and value as a person should be the one that comes from within.”

So many of us rely on other people to give us confidence, to validate us and to make us feel appreciated but that will only lead to disappointment. You have to build your own confidence by believing that you are beautiful and smart and interesting. I went on a trip to Europe a couple years ago and we had a workshop type thing where we had to face all of our fears. We learned how to build confidence in ourselves and how to overcome obstacles. This same day I learned that you can train your brain to believe anything you want it to. For instance, as I repelled down a castle wall I kept telling myself over and over, “I am safe. I am safe.” And the amazing thing is that the more I repeated it, the more I believed it. It’s the only thing that kept me from having a panic attack as I leaned out over the top of that castle. So when I got home from my trip I got out all my post-it note pads and starting writing affirmative statements about myself. “I am beautiful.” “I am smart.” “I am successful.” “I accomplish my goals.” “I am strong.” “I am capable.” And I put each little post-it on my mirror so that every day when I woke up I would be forced to read them. Eventually, these phrases started to sink in and I actually started to believe they were true… and finally I started to love myself. Not loving yourself is only going to hold you back in life. It is going to limit what you accomplish and what you strive for. We should all strive to live a life without limits, a life where we believe in our capabilities enough to go out and accomplish the unexpected. Do not put limits on yourself. Go out and conquer the unknown, and love yourself for every part of who you are and what you can become.

So here is my challenge for you. Name one thing you like about yourself and one thing you are good at. Just ONE thing. I dare you. And once you find it, hold on to it and repeat it to yourself every single day. And maybe you’ll find that, that one thing will be enough.

Xo.

Taylor Jordan