Today I had a conversation with a friend that was meant to be encouraging and even a sort of bonding moment, but it quickly spiraled into her being defensive and argumentative. We are both college students and she was supposed to begin her first day as a transfer student yesterday at a new university. However, for many different reasons, she decided to back out of going to school there.
Fear is such a huge factor at play here, and I know this because my freshman year of college was a terrifying, eye opening, life changing experience and it wasn’t always good. In fact, most of the time it was a struggle. I ended up transferring home for my sophomore year because I was battling depression and an anxiety disorder. In my year at home, I became increasingly terrified of leaving home again, because the first time I moved away, it had obviously turned into a disaster.
The university I attended my freshman year became this monster inside of my head. A monster that I wanted to avoid at all costs and forget about if I could. Well, it isn’t easy to forget the pain of your past and just before my junior year of school began, I decided to transfer back to my freshman university.
I was terrified of going back. Of living on my own again. Of having to make new friends and reconnect with old ones. I was scared about keeping up with school. I was afraid of disappointing my parents again. I was afraid of the same thing happening junior year that happened freshman year.
But the one thing I was MORE afraid of than all of these combined, was not going back at all.
I had to face my fear. I had to know that I could do it on my own.
And I would not allow my fear to be the monster in my closet any longer.
I went back. It was a struggle. I was not always happy. I didn’t always feel like I belonged.
But I got through it. And I am still here.
Towards the end of my conversation with my friend today, she said, “I just don’t know where I belong.” And once she said those words, I truly felt empathetic. I could feel her struggle, because I had been there, and sometimes, I still am. Once she said those words, the fact that she had turned what was supposed to be friendly advice into an unnecessary argument no longer mattered. This girl, my friend, she is struggling, she is lost… and when someone feels this way, it feels so much safer to take the easy way out. The easy way out for her, being, to not transfer to the new university.
I hope she lets her heart guide her, and not her fear.
And I hope she knows that she is not alone.
I don’t know where I belong. A lot of people don’t. But, it is only by taking every new opportunity, giving in to risks, and working hard that we are able find out.
And even if you try and you find that you still don’t belong, well, then, go find yourself somewhere else.
Go find others who don’t belong and don’t belong together.
What It Feels Like by Hearts And Daggers.
-TJ
Life Scribbles 